Gratitude Sunday: To Be Or Not To Be; or Random Duality

Gratitude * Sunday

Quote of the Week – “At the end of the day, Wonder Woman is a peace seeker. But when fight arrives, she can fight. She’s a warrior, and she enjoys the adrenaline of the fight.” Gal Gadot

Sunday Haiku
Noisy mourning dove
confronts hungry hawk, green grass
strewn with white feathers.

Sunday Musings
Some days I am fierce as hell. The fire of confidence burns bright in me, words fuel the fire, the world needs to beware the anger of this nasty woman who has always had to fend for herself.

Other days I am complacent, sure none of my words, deeds, or actions make any difference whatsoever. My confidence curls into a tiny ball of shivering, raw, electric nerves capable of no action.

Both people are me. There are probably more than two. No wonder I have a large body; it has to be big enough to contain all of me, all my various parts, the duality, or possibly the tri-ality, or quadr-ality, or quintr-ality that is me.

I suspect we all have some version of this duality, you know, the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. Some days I know I am a good caring person, other days I’m sure I’m a horrible mean person. Maybe I feel it more strongly than others. It makes keeping an even keel a tough proposition when one day you function well and the next day not so much.

I’m not talking about the deepest end of this feeling. Some folks experience the depths and manias of bipolar disease, or dissociative identity disorder, diseases that are so hard on the people they affect; this feeling is neither of those and mental health is not a game; one needs help with that kind of stuff.

At least 20 percent of our society experience emotions in an extremely extra sensitive way, which can be good and bad. Knowing I’m that person makes it somewhat easier to function. It doesn’t keep me from getting my feelings hurt, or having a difficult time dealing with strong emotions and difficult times. Knowing helps me guard my feelings and to know when I might be over reacting because of my sensitivities.

Multiply that by being one of those folks weird stuff happens to. That’s difficult to explain if you have one of those lives that go according to plan with few bumps in the road. I don’t get bumps, I get seemingly insurmountable mountains and abysses and yet fortunately here I stand, survivor of massive mountain climbs and abyssmal plunges. The stories seem unbelievable if one has never experienced the depths of life. I’ve been accused of lying about my life stories, but as the saying goes, truth is often stranger than fiction. Nevertheless, no matter how weird or absurd, the stories are true. I survived and learned another day.

I always believe the stories people tell me because of my own experiences. Listening helps me realize there is all kinds of weird stuff out there and mine might not be the weirdest. Many times one is not in control of the experience, it is something that happens to one. Sometimes one can fix a problematic experience, sometimes not. Sometimes the experience is there for a lesson and one must continue the same experience until the lesson is learned.

All this above blather sounds a little existential, but I do live in a society where right now stuff is really weird. Recently I had a societal experience I would not wish on anybody: trying to collect my Earned Income Retirement from Social Security. After four months of being accused of fraud (for timeline and my questioning issues, also for applying for Medicare separately from Retirement), software flaws, paperwork mangles, caseworker confusion, and having to call in the upper echelon of paper-pushers and correctors of software glitches, I am finally relieved to say I am successfully on the retirement roles after 50 years working in this United States. It took long enough. And I’m still at that stage where every penny counts. That’s not to say I am retired; I’m still working, I’m just not earning any money.

On my mean, nasty, or bitchy days I had to be careful engaging with any of those worker-people to get the weirdnesses of the system straightened out. One must be on one’s best behavior when asking for help especially with the federal government. Nobody likes to help screaming, cussing, fire-spitting warrior queens. Most people have patience with quiet confused old ladies. So if the sword wielding warrior queen has to put on the costume of the confused sweet old lady, so be it. This confused old lady will keep asking questions until the answer comes. And we will have the truth while we are at it, thank you very much. Don’t be blaming me when your software sucks.

I’m getting better at battles in my older age, recognizing them and picking them. I’m more able to understand my triggers, and my extra-sensitiveness. I’m more able to see the wisdom of patience, and the waste of energy that is anger. I’m more able to know when it’s time for the fierce warrior queen or the fierce warrior queen wearing the sweet old lady costume. I contain multitudes.

Color Watch colorful attractions in my neighborhoods this week – Thanking the gods and goddesses and all the energies of the universe that Mother Nature is still working to maintain the status quo, while praying for the reversal of human caused climate change. Glorious Spring is coming around as usual! Spotted my first patch of golden crocuses. Pristine white winter camellias. A particular new growth lime-ish green of sedums. Pale pink buds of spring promise.

Current View – {These are only my opinions about movies and books, but don’t let me stop you from trying these reviewed items yourself; your opinion may differ.} Binged through Russian Doll (2019, rated TV – MA) with Natasha Lyonne on Netflix. A woman goes to her 36th birthday party. She dies at the end of the evening. A woman goes to her 36th birthday party. She dies. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Unlike Groundhog Day, the depths of this show explores grief in an existential way. The threads are so intricately well woven I had to watch the series twice. Recommended. * Blue in the Face (1995, rated R) an assortment of comedians, such as Harvey Keitel and Lily Tomlin, come together to make an oddment of a movie.

Currently ReadingLook Alive Twenty Five (2018, fiction) by Janet Evanovich. This is a light hearted mystery series set in Trenton, New Jersey. The author drives us through town with quirky Lucy-and-Ethel type characters and handsome straight-men and gives the reader delightful plot twists in the form of events that don’t happen to ordinary people. (I know how those stories go.) She keeps the violence and gore to a minimum and expletive language only for effect in a character. Perfect to take one’s mind off the “real” world, cause in my real world right this very now, I’m reading. * The Last Lecture (2008, psychology, death, grief) by Randy Pausch. A computer science professor diagnosed with pancreatic cancer writes a traditional last lecture to deliver to his classes. The author skillfully takes us through his last few months without provoking tears yet. We’ll see what I think when I’ve read it all. We all get to die. We don’t talk about it. Should we?

This week I have been grateful for:

  • The patience of my bed giving sister while I take the time to properly clean my room to get it ready for my new bed.
  • Understanding my flaws as a house cleaning type person.
  • Admiring people with good cleaning skills.
  • Dialogues with other people. Taking the time to listen and learn.
  • Becoming aware of the song Havana and enjoying it so much. I don’t listen to much music, but I enjoy it nonetheless.
  • Calculators. I like math well enough and can do it by hand, but I like the speed of a calculator. Thing is, I like to do it by hand first, then check on the calculator that I’m right, so maybe I don’t save all that much time.
  • Word processors which actually do save me time. I only write by hand now if the computer is down.
  • Laughing at myself.
  • Being able to ask for help when I’ve made a mess of my files.
  • Getting back into my exercise routine after two weeks of head cold.
  • The head cold not dropping into bronchitis.
  • Patience.
  • This week celebrating 44 years with the hubster, 17 living together and 27 with that little legal piece of paper.
  • Water.

Hoping you have a lovely week.

Namaste. Peace. Blessings.

Floral ribbon border by Laurel Burch

This entry was posted in abundance, Aging, Education, GRATITUDE, Grief, Health, Nature, Photography, Poetry and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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